What it means to see things from the other person’s perspective, and how it might help.

A woman called me last week devastated.  Her 28 year old husband told her he was going to visit his family in another state for a week. By the end of the week he called her and said he changed his mind, he is not returning. He wants a divorce.  (I am not exaggerating, these are my notes from an actual telephone conversation with a prospective client.)

“Is he seeing someone else?” I asked.

“No. He says he still loves me, but that he is not happy in the marriage.”

So, I pulled out my legal pad and started going through my checklist of questions, to get a feel for how much might be involved in this divorce.

“How long have you been married?”

            “10 years.”

“Do you have any minor children?”

            “No. I am 6 years older than he is, and really want children.  We had an appointment next week to start in vitro fertilization, so we can have children. It is a very expensive procedure, and we had talked about how much it would change our lives.”

“What do you each do for work?”

            “I have not had to work since we first got married. He works days as a waiter and has a second shift job washing pots at a different restaurant for extra income.”

Do you own or rent your home?”

            “We have been renting for a few months and I did a lot of work to get us a mortgage so that we can buy the place. It is a little more than we wanted to spend, but I know we can make it work.   Our closing is scheduled for 2 weeks from now.  I am afraid we are going to lose this deal if he doesn’t come back before then.” 

At that point I put down my pen and stopped asking questions.  I read her back the picture she had just painted for me.  Her husband is a 28 year old kid who has been married since he was 18 years old. They barely make ends meet with him working 2 jobs while she does not work. Now they are trying to add a mortgage and start a family.  I do not know the woman. I have never met her or her husband, but I told her that if I were him, I would want a divorce, too.  I said that if he were my brother I might love her as a sister-in-law, but I would tell my brother to get out of that marriage as fast as possible. 

It was quiet on the other end of the phone for a moment.  And then she said, “I have made a terrible mistake. I have to hang up right now so I can call my husband and apologize.”

I sincerely hope that it is not too late, for either of them. I hope that she can see what he must be seeing, and that she can work together with her husband to make a future that they both find attainable and enjoyable.

What We Love:  Divorce is almost always comprised of two people who once deeply loved each other.  Finding the compassion that belongs with that love can go a long way.

 

 

 

 

 

Do Not Make These Phone Calls

I remember standing in a line for an airplane flight that had been delayed and(c) www.wikipedia.org watching the man in front of me berating the flight assistant who had the misfortune of bearing the bad news.  I remember thinking that if she did have any food coupons, or any idea when our flight would leave, or any other small ability to help us travelers, that this man was assuring he would be the very last person she would help.

Since then, I notice the phenomenon all the time:  frustrated, angry people venting their emotions at the only person in the world who might be able to help them out a bit; and thereby making their situation worse.  One place I frequently notice it is with family lawyers and their clients. 

Your attorney is your guide through the legal system. 

Your attorney is probably the only person on your team who knows the legal system.  And, even if other members of your team claim to know (or actually do know) the legal system, you need to have an attorney who you believe is the final authority on the legal system for purposes of your divorce.  If you do not trust your lawyer, hire a different lawyer, but once you have retained counsel, do not second guess your lawyer throughout the process.

Obviously, there are times and moments when one needs to part ways with one’s attorney; but until that time comes, telling your support team to dissect and re-analyze your lawyer’s advice is counter-productive, as is contacting other lawyers you know and running it all past them.  Your lawyers’ advise is not given in a vacuum, it is given with a specific set of facts (your set of facts) surrounding it, and must be understood in context to be effective.

Treat your attorney with common courtesy.  If you have your attorney’s home phone number, it is probably to be used for emergencies, and even then at reasonable hours.

Here are some examples of calls to NOT make:

6:15 a.m.   “It is snowing out, do we still have to go to court today?”

6:15 p.m.  “I just remembered that my Wife did not fill the gas tank last weekend, and I want you to file a motion for contempt.”

11:30p.m. “My wife and I cannot agree about where our 8 year old son should sleep tonight, so he is sleeping in the hallway.”

7 a.m.  “I know you are not my lawyer, but I rely on your for advice, and I am nervous about my hearing today, can we talk before I go meet with my lawyer?”

 December 24, 3 p.m.  “I know we worked out a holiday schedule, but I just told my husband that he cannot see the children tonight or tomorrow unless he gives me more money and comes in to your office today to sign a document to that effect.”

 Different year, December 24, 5 p.m.  “I know we have already spoken 3 times today, but I really don’t want to see the children today unless we have finished discussing summer vacation and reached an agreement.”

What We Love:  Your attorney is your guide through the legal system.  Treat this person with respect and you could shave thousands of dollars (and sometimes years!) off your divorce.

Why you want Melissa Gilbert to marry your ex-husband

47 year old Melissa Gilbert filed for divorce this week from her second husband, Bruce Boxleitner, after 16 years of marriage.  The couple has a 15 year old son together, Michael (named for Gilbert’s former “Little House on the Prairie” Co-Star, Michael Landon).    Gilbert’s filing referenced the fact that the couple has been separated since January, 2011.  She cites irretrievable breakdown (legalese for a “No fault” divorce), and looks for joint custody, no alimony.  All apparently very non-emotional stuff.  But in Gilbert’s March announcement of the separation which led to this divorce, she says “… we have 4 incredible sons together.”  And you begin to get a sense the amount of love and energy that went into this relationship.

Bruce has two sons from his first marriage with actress Kathryn Holcomb (Sam & Lee ages 31 & 26).  Melissa has a son from her first marriage to Bo Brinkman (22 year old Dakota).  Melissa is clearly equally proud of every single one of them. Which is not a simple feat (as anyone who has ever read/or lived a fairy tale with a step-mother in it can attest).

Although Boxleitner and Gilbert had initially met in the 1980s on a “Battle of the Network Stars,” they didn’t date until 1992.  Shortly after Gilbert’s first divorce, she was set up on a date with Bruce by none other than his ex-wife, actress Kathryn Holcomb.  

Melissa may be the ultimate step-mother candidate.  An adopted child herself, she helped pave the way for her younger brother Jonathon Gilbert to join the cast of “Little House on the Prairie”, and was a role model for her mother’s adopted daughter Sara Gilbert who became an actress after being impressed by Melissa’s star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.  Gilbert also served two terms as president of the Screen Actors’ Guild.  It seems she is a natural at mentoring and nurturing others.

Maybe Kathryn Holcomb had a sense that her sons’ dad would re-marry some actress, and it might as well be one she can trust. Or maybe it was all a happy accident.  But, it is clear that her sons have spent the past 16 years of their lives with a step mother who counts them as her own. 

What We Love: Divorce does not have to mean animosity and re-marriage can bring even more love into the lives of the children involved.  We just have to let it.

What do kids want to know about divorce?

Children want to know a few things:  whose fault is it, what can I do to make this stop, when will we be a family again.

Parents have an obligation to have their children understand these responses:  no matter whose fault it is, it is never, never the child’s fault and there is nothing the children can do to make it better or worse.  It is 100% the parents’ problem and responsibility.

No matter how angry you are at your spouse, you have an obligation to shield your children from your anger and from “the truth” about your spouse.  Children want to be like their parents.  If you teach your children that the other parent is stupid, lazy, mean, cheap, or undesirable in some other way; you are likely planting unconscious seeds of that behavior in your own child.  Think about this, it is one thing for you to have married that rotten so-and-so.  Do you also want to add another one just like that to the world?  I hope not!

As in most parenting choices, focusing on what is good and valuable in a person or a situation will help your children immensely.  So, rather than tell a child that his father had to move out because he is “too stupid to be around us anymore.”  Why not say, “Mommy and Daddy will both be happier and nicer when daddy has his own place to live.”

Just as it would be inappropriate for a married couple to discuss the details of their sex life with their minor child, it is equally wrong for a single or divorcing parent to discuss the details of the divorce with the child.   Discussing with and discussing in front of are identical behaviors.  Just because you are on the phone in the living room and your child is in front of the TV in the family room, does not give you license to discuss your divorce.  Here’s what we know:  if you stand in front of the television and speak directly to your child’s face and say, “put on your shoes, we have to go now,” the child can not hear you.  If you walk out of the room and whisper to a younger sibling that we are about to bake cookies, the first child magically appears at your side, wooden spoon in hand.  The TV in the next room filter does not block out what you are saying about your divorce.

A second reason that we do not speak ill of the other parent is that it will get back to that parent, but twisted into the worst possible thing you could be saying.   Let’s use the example of “Daddy is too stupid to live with us anymore.”  Probably said as a joke, rather than get into the details of what really went wrong in the marriage.  Admirable, right?  Maybe.  But then a week later, Daddy is picking up the kids for visitation, and you are about to have your first night off from being a single mom in a month.   Just as they are getting in the car, your son decides no seatbelt, and Daddy says, “put on your seat belt,” and you say, “Do what your father tells you,” and your son says, “I don’t have to do what you say, Daddy.  You are too stupid.  Mommy even said so, right Mommy?”  And, now you are sending your precious beautiful child into the world with a guardian and protector who has absolutely no authority with your child, and will have your child’s ear all weekend, with self-assigned carte blanche to say things like, “Mommy has gotten so fat lately, she shouldn’t have so many desserts, should she?” 

We owe it to our kids to be their parent, not their friend, confidante, co-conspirator, or secret-double-agent-enabler.  Always, but especially during a divorce, they’ll learn more about how to live in society by watching you maintain your decorum and poise than almost any other time in their lives. 

What We Love:  Divorce can be a gift – use it as an opportunity to teach your children how one overcomes adversity with grace and style.

10 SENTENCES A DIVORCING PERSON MIGHT SAY

First, a quick refresher on the 5 basic ground rules to understanding (and loving) your divorce:

1.         DIVORCE SUCKS!!

2.         All spouses are monsters (including your spouse’s spouse).

3.         It does not matter whose fault it is.       

4.         It is never too late.

5.         If someone’s life is in danger, get out now.  Figure the rest out later.

For a more substantial explanation of each rule, see 5 Ground Rules (posted July 11, 2011)

Here are 10 sentences you might hear/say during a divorce & which rule to apply.  Whether you are divorced, divorcing, or the team mate of a divorcing party – learn the 5 Ground Rules and apply them liberally!

1.  “We had decided on everything except the CD collection, and now we are back to yelling at each other every time we see each other.” divorce sucks.

2.  “I ran into her at a mutual friend’s party, and she absolutely refused to leave.”  All spouses are monsters (including your spouse’s spouse).

3.  “If it were not for that whore of a secretary, we would not be in this situation.  She should be fired as a requirement of the divorce.”      It does not matter whose fault it is.   

4.  “I always thought I would get back into teaching once we settled down, but now that I have been out of the work force for so many years, I just don’t think I can do it.”          It is never too late.

5.  “I know I called the police on him last week, but if I don’t want to move out and let him stay in our house because I might lose my claim on it.” If someone is in danger, get out now.  Figure the rest out later.

6.  “I’m so depressed about this whole divorce, I just can’t eat, anymore.  I’ve lost 25 pounds in the past month.  But the bright side is, maybe I’ll look better to her now, and she’ll forget about the divorce.”  If someone is in danger, get out now.  Figure the rest out later.

7.  “If I move out of the house, I’ll have even less of a relationship with my kids.  I have been so busy with work, I never had time to really bond with them, and now I’m afraid I never will.”              It is never too late.

 8.  “Why should I be required to pay her alimony?  She’s the one who ruined everything.”  It does not matter whose fault it is.

9.  “He and I used to do drugs together, what if I can prove that he still does?”   All spouses are monsters (including your spouse’s spouse).

 10.  “I feel like I am not only losing my family, but also my friends; half of them won’t even return my calls anymore.”  Divorce Sucks.

What We Love:  Every divorce is unique, and also fits certain patterns you are not alone in the wilderness – you are walking a path that has been walked countless times.  Memorize – and apply – the ground rules to help you see the forest despite the trees.

Hi Honey, Let’s Get Divorced.

INFORMING YOUR SPOUSE, FAMILY AND FRIENDS

How you tell someone about your divorce plays a large part in how he or she will react to the news.  If your spouse does not already know, try telling someone else, first, to practice what you will say.  Decide what your goals are:  to hurt your spouse?  To be free so you can wed again?  To move forward with your life?

Financially:  decide how much you can afford, and then weigh that against what you are willing to fight for, and willing to let go.

Be open to what your spouse might want or need from a divorce:  How much time to get mentally prepared?  Knowing that he or she will not have to move?   A specific piece of furniture, jewelry or electronics which may have greater sentimental value than market value?  Honestly consider that person’s feelings, to the extent you can, and tell them as kindly and gently as possible that you want a divorce.

Is this someone who would rather have the news by letter, in person, in a restaurant, or over the telephone?  (I know — if you knew how to make them happy, we wouldn’t be having this discussion!  But think about the most and least likely scenarios before dropping the bomb.)

The recipient of the news will probably take it badly, regardless (remember, divorce sucks!!).  But, the less fuel you add to the fire right now, the less the fire will burn.

You do not have to be in this alone.  But, neither is every person you know or meet on your team.  The team roster is listed below.  Use it.  Think about these people, and who they are, and where they fit in.  Line some of them up in advance, even if only hypothetically, so that you have practice saying what you need to say.  Do not make the mistake, however, of letting your spouse feel as if everyone in the world already knows and has been chuckling behind his or her back.  Once you start spreading the word, be ready to tell your spouse as soon as possible.

What if the news has already been given, and you are already at odds with each other?   Remember, it is never too late.  Step back, take a breath, see things from the other person’s side to the extent that you can.  And, when you are ready, be willing to approach that person with a fresh perspective and an open mind.  And, again, think in advance the best way to approach him or her to help guarantee success.

There are two people who you want representing your position to your spouse:  you and your lawyer (through your spouse’s lawyer).  NOT “helpful” friends or relatives.

What we love:  Your divorce should be a process in which each step you take leads to a shorter and healthier process.  This is the first step towards a healthy and sane divorce.

How to choose your own Divorce Team

THE DIVORCE TEAM

Assemble your team. As you recruit each team member make sure they know that they are being recruited, and for what role.

Here are the roles you need to fill, and what their characteristics should be:

Cheerleader:  (best friend) Does not offer legal advice. Does not criticize: not you, not your spouse, not your children. Does listen to you, for hours on end, if necessary. Does accept late night phone calls. Does remind you that you are doing the right thing and that you will get through it. Does remind you that you had valid reasons for marrying this person in the first place.

Defense: (parent/sibling) Does not offer legal advice. Does know you as well as or better than you know yourself. Does not say blaming or accusatory things about you, your spouse, or the children. Does help sort out which accusations against you are true or false, without hurting you. Does help you remember what your goals are for the divorce. Does keep track of legal advice from your attorney, and reminds you to apply it. 

Offense: (legal counsel) Does know the law and what you can expect from your divorce. Does help decide what matters in the divorce. Does help you stay on target for the divorce.  Does remembers spouse’s specific misdeeds, in an objective manner. Does not gloss over spouse’s weaknesses, but is not angry or nasty. Does not do anything to extend the process unnecessarily.

Special Teams: (friends) Does not offer legal advice. Does not know any details of your divorce. Should not be told any details of your divorce. Does not want to talk about your divorce, your spouse, or your kids. Is available for an evening out dinner/movie/drinks, or to watch the kids while you go out. Is not the same sex as your spouse*      (*unless it is your spouse).  Does not always need to be the same person, should be approximately once/month.

General Manager: (You) You are the general manager of your team. You determine overall strategy. You are the one who drafts the players, assigns them their roles, and calls the shots. You are the one who decides what information is given to whom. You are the one who must fire anyone who is not doing his or her job, and replace them. You are the one who must put a positive spin on this for the media feeding frenzy. You are the one who keeps the team focused and motivated.

What we love:  You are the only one who has to be happy with the team line-up. Keep it for as long as it works for you. Change it when it needs changing.  Now, for once, this is all about YOU!

 

Mraasports.org

Like the NFL, Divorce is a Team Sport

BEGIN NOW TO THINK OF DIVORCE AS A TEAM SPORT:  Divorce usually (c) www.free-extras.combegins with a break down in what was supposed to be the ultimate team- the family.  So, it is easy to feel completely alone and outnumbered as we start the divorce process.  It feels as if there is no one to talk to, or as if you can speak to  any passing stranger.  It is all sort of random and sad and confusing.  I always think of the old Paul Simon lyric, “Loosing love is like a window in your heart/ everybody sees you’re blown apart/ everybody sees the wind blow.”

Thankfully, divorce does not need to be a solo activity; in fact – it should not be.  Divorce is no more something you should do on your own than scale a mountain for the first time.  Plan to assemble a team.  And, this time, it is not just you and one partner, but you and a group of hand-picked people.  So, if one player does fail you, they can be replaced without the entire structure crumbling.

Your team is comprised of relatives, friends, acquaintances, and professionals, each chosen for a specific task based upon well-reasoned criteria.  When you assemble your team, you do not relinquish control of your life, your marriage, or your divorce, you become the general manager.  It is your life, your marriage, and your divorce.  You are the one who determines how it will run, to the greatest extent that you can.

WHAT ARE THE RULES OF THE GAME?

There are specific rules and general rules.  By specifics, I refer to the legal system, and how it works for dissolving the state sanctioned institution of marriage.  How one begins a divorce, and where, and how long it takes, and what you are entitled to in your case. 

For the specifics, each case is different.  Once you master the general rules, you will have an easier time understanding, and applying, the specific rules.

(c) www.free-extras.comIf you were a football player, you would spend high school and college learning the general rules, such as what is a first down, what are illegal hands to the face, what is a two point conversion, and why do they use it earlier and earlier in the game as it gets later into the season and post season?  Then, when you are drafted by your first NFL franchise, you start to learn that team’s (and that coach’s) specific rules, also known as your team playbook.  There’s no point in me teaching you the wrong team’s playbook, when you still need to learn how to identify a blitz coming.

These are the first 5 general rules:

1.         DIVORCE SUCKS!!

2.         All spouses are monsters (including your spouse’s spouse).

3.         It does not matter whose fault it is.

4.         It is never too late.

5.         If someone is in danger, get out now.  Figure the rest out later.

THE DIVORCE TEAM:

TOP 2 RULES FOR ALL TEAM MEMBERS

1.         Does not betray your trust by repeating any private information 

2.         Does remind you that this will end and you will be happier once it is over.

Cheerleader:  (best friend)

Defense: (parent/sibling)

Offense: (legal counsel)

Special Teams: (friends)

General Manager: (You)

What We Love:  You are not in this alone. As soon as you assemble your team, you will begin to feel calmer and more prepared to handle your divorce.

What do these things have in common:  Q’Viva – The Chosen, The Miami Dolphins, Kohl’s newest clothing line, Emme Maribel Muñiz, and Maximilian “Max” David Muñiz?

They are all joint projects of Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony.  (Okay, the Dolphins have a lot of owners, including J Lo and Anthony.)

On July 16 the couple made a joint announcement in civil, even downright social, tones that they had agreed to divorce and had agreed on almost everything.  This is a very public way to end a seven year marriage begun by a wedding where the guests did not know it was a wedding, and not just an afternoon party, until they were already there.

The marriage may have begun in some secrecy, but it is ending publicly and with a very clear message that both parties are in control of their own divorce.

As the list emerges of “everything” they have agreed upon, it becomes quite understandable why they want clear control and agreements.

First, and of course of most importance are their three year old fraternal twins, Emme and Max Muniz.  J Lo and Anthony both apparently recognize and appreciate the impact their split will have on their young children.  Maintaining a united front will make it easier for each of them to be a solo parent as the need arises.

Then there is the “joint” clothing line announced last November by Kohl’s department stores.  According to New York Magazine, the department store has already released information that the fashion lines will move forward as a men’s line by Anthony and a Women’s line by Lopez.  Each party has signed an individual contract which they each still plan to fulfill.

The television show in which two of the biggest Latin Pop Stars in the U.S.travel Latin America looking for talented musicians, Q’Viva – The Chosen, is also still a go, according to msn.com.  The genuine enthusiasm by each of them on the show’s promotional website: www.qvivathechosen.com makes it apparent why they need to keep their world from crumbling, even as they dissolve the marriage at the center of it all.

These are megastars who have built a world together.  Just because their marriage has ended does not mean they need to destroy all the good that has come from their partnership.

What We Love:  These talented artists are each known for their passionate performances, but are able to set their passions aside for the bigger picture here.  Their children, their careers, and the careers of others are all intimately tied-up together here.  Their true passion might just be preserving the greater good they have jointly created.

 

 

 

5 Ground Rules to Love Your Divorce

(c) www.wikipedia.comBelow are my 5 ground rules to help you (or someone you love) Love Your Divorce:

1.         DIVORCE SUCKS!!

2.         All spouses are monsters (including your spouse’s spouse).

3.         It does not matter whose fault it is.       

4.         It is never too late.

5.         If someone’s life is in danger, get out now.  Figure the rest out later.

 What is the purpose of having ground rules for a divorce? To give the divorcing parties some guideposts.  Some relatively simple questions get more complicated during a divorce.  Questions such as, “Is this normal?” “What should I do next?”  “Why is this happening?”  Most of the questions which arise during the divorce process can be answered quickly and accurately by one of the ground rules. Memorize them and apply them often, both during, and especially after, a divorce.

You need to know the rules in order to participate actively and intelligently in the divorce process.

1.         DIVORCE SUCKS!!  When you are confused, as a person watching or living through a divorce, always go back to rule number one: divorce sucks.  There are moments when it will be easier, with glimpses of hope, but those are the highlights.  The actual substance of the process of divorce is that it sucks:  for the person who wanted a divorce, for the person who didn’t want it, for their children, their friends, and relatives.  Here’s what it does: it sucks up everyone’s time, money, and attention.  Remember how much energy it takes to plan and throw a wedding?  Well, that’s an event that you really can’t do badly, because whatever happens, most people will say, “it was a lovely day.”  A divorce is just as huge and personal and public as a wedding, except NOW you feel like everyone’s plan is to tell you that you are doing it wrong, making it even more high-pressure.

The best divorce sucks much more than the worst wedding. 

Despite the fact that it sucks, people go through divorce for very compelling reasons.   The only thing worse than a really bad divorce, of course, is a really bad marriage.  It is bad for the spouses, but also for their friends, family, and – worst – children.  So, getting out of a bad marriage requires going through a sucky process, the divorce.  But, then, when it is over, if it is done well, both the marriage and the divorce are over, and everyone is free to move on with their lives.  If a divorce is done poorly, the fallout can last several lifetimes.

2.         All spouses are monsters (including your spouse’s spouse).           My friend went with her daughter Sarah to college freshman orientation. Sarah was a bright, beautiful 18 year old who had mostly lived alone with her mom since she was 2.  They had a nice house.  Sarah had her own room, her own phone line, and her own television.  At a certain point in the orientation, the kids were sent off in one direction, and the parents were brought into an auditorium where the dean addressed them.  The dean said, “Expect a lot of phone calls the first year.  Each one of your children will call you and tell you that he or she cannot live with his or her roommate because the roommate is the worst kid in the world.  But remember, somewhere a kid is calling home and saying the exact same thing about your child.”  The thing is; they are right.  Eighteen year olds are usually terrible roommates.  That’s part of the point of college; learning how to do your own laundry, empty your own garbage, and stock your own fridge.  But the path to knowing how to do those things is slow and bumpy.

It’s the same thing in a divorce.  Your friends and relatives will only hear your side of the story.  What kind of dummy would you have to be to tell everyone you meet that you’re the one at fault?  Plus, honestly, divorce is so devastating to everyone’s egos, that we all have to tell ourselves it is the other one’s fault.   Just remember, the other guy is saying the same thing about you, and, frankly, the other guy is also right.

People are at their worst during a divorce.  Criminal attorneys always say the same thing to us family lawyers:  we may represent bad people, but they are on their best behavior with us; you may represent good people, but they are on their worst behavior with you.  True. 

So, feel free to convince your friends and family that you are right.  And, as the friend and family of a divorcing person, tell them they are right.  Just remember, you are also wrong.

3.         It does not matter whose fault it is.               The Presiding Judge of the Stamford,Connecticut Court at one time was Judge Harrigan. I always enjoyed appearing in front of him, because I have only ever seen him be fair, honest, direct, and to the point.  In a seminar he was giving once, he told us that it does not matter to the Judge who did what to whom.  According to Judge Harrigan, we are all adults, if we didn’t want to be married to a jerk we should not have married a jerk.

You can tell me that people change, and she wasn’t a jerk when I married her, and he lied to me, and everything else.   I will tell you that while that may be true in your particular case, there are so many cases in which it is not true, that no judge would believe you anyway.

Besides,Connecticut is one of several “no fault” states. This means that you are free to get a divorce whether or not someone did something wrong. If you want a divorce in these states, you are entitled to one.  It’s the law.

4.         It is never too late.     For what?  For a divorce, for a happy life following divorce, for a new start at life.  Just because you have waited this long to do whatever it is, does not mean you have to wait any longer. 

This advice does not apply exclusively to family law.  My father started law school at age 45, after a long successful career as a computer analyst. He has now had his own law firm in town since 1990.  And, he was not the oldest student in his class.  So, if you think being 35 years old and having to learn how to be single again is hard, you’re right.  But it is not impossible, and it is never too late to get started.

5.         If someone is in danger, get out now.  Figure the rest out later.  People stay in untenable situations because it is easier than figuring out a new situation.  Usually, who cares?  It’s your life and you’ll get out when you are motivated enough. When it comes to a truly dangerous situation, things change.  The outcome affects everyone around you, not just you.  If you know someone who is in danger, get them out now, ask questions later.  If you know that you are putting someone else in danger, do yourself the favor of getting out before it gets worse.

What We Love:  Divorce may be a tough process, but you are not the first person to walk this path.  With proper guidance and insight the process can be short and sensible.

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