Beginning Your New Life

Nobody gets married with the intention of getting divorced.  Quite the opposite, “from this day forward, ‘til death parts us.”  And, as we know, it might have been simpler if death had parted certain couples before the divorce process.  Nonetheless once it is over, the sooner it is truly over the better.  Because Divorce Sucks, and as long as you are participating in the divorce process, you are doing two things:  participating in something that sucks, and artificially extending your marriage.   Neither thing is fun.  Neither is healthy.

So, how do you go about creating a future when you are consumed by the mistakes and missteps of the past?  Begin by imagining what you would look like, where you would be standing, who would be with you, and what you would be wearing right now, if your were to be as happy as you can possibly imagine.  Obviously, anyone who has predeceased you, or from whom you are divorced or divorcing should NOT be in the picture.

This is easier for some people than for others.  But, the more often you do it, the easier it becomes.  If necessary, start very small. Imagine yourself in your absolute favorite pair of shoes.  Are they work shoes, dress, or casual shoes?  Are they sneakers?  Work boots?  High heels?  Hooker heels?  What color are they?  Do they need to have the heels de-scuffed or the laces replaced?  Or are they perfect just the way they are?  Whatever needs to be done to make them the best they can be for you, make that mental adjustment now.

Can you see them?  Are you looking at your feet wearing them?  Are they making you happy?  Now, what outfit goes perfectly with those shoes. It does not have to be an outfit you already own, it can be one you have seen in a store window and would love to own, or one you have never seen, but can imagine would be perfect with the shoes.  Or, it can be an outfit you owned a long time ago and would love to find again some day.  Each pair of shoes defines the correct outfit for itself.  You would no sooner be putting on your favorite ripped up sweat suit with a pair of hooker pumps, than you would insult a good pair of work boots with monkey suit.  Put the right outfit on top of those shoes and look at yourself.  You are now dressed to do something you would really enjoy.

Where do you go in your shoes and outfit?  If you are wearing cowboy boots and freshly pressed jeans and a sparkling western shirt, I bet you are going line dancing.  If you’ve got on your college sweatshirt and a pair of high tops, you are probably on your way to watch an NCAA game, or shoot some hoops.  Evening gown?  I’ll bet there’s a fancy cocktail reception with a live orchestra calling your name.

See yourself, in your shoes, and your outfit, at your place.  Think of it as your place.  What does it sound like?  Is it noisy or quiet?  Is there music playing?  Live? Hear the music, or the lack of music.  What does it smell like?  What are the colors around you?  Are there other people there?  What are they wearing?  Are they making noise?  Are they talking to you?  Or shouting over the din?  Or singing?  Are they dancing?

Take a moment and really look around you.  See yourself fully in your place.  Notice the things about this place that you love the most.  Is it the temperature?  The company?  The smells?  The activity?  Latch on to each detail, and think about what makes that detail so right for this setting.  Really enjoy the moment and the place.

Now, freeze the tape right where you are, and hit rewind.  Watch the tape rewind slowly, see yourself newly arrived at your place.  Who or what did you see when you first got there?  What was the first thing you did?  Rewind further.  See yourself walking in the door.  How did you arrive? Did you come by car?  Did you ride a bicycle? Or a boat?  See yourself on the way to your place.  Imagine the happy anticipation of knowing where you were going, who would be there, and what you would do there.

Rewind further.  See yourself getting dressed at home before you went.  Did you talk on the phone while you got dressed?  Did you hire a babysitter?  Put a condom in your wallet or purse?  Did you put on make up?  Did you take a shower?  Focus on the little preparations you took to make sure that you would have a good time at your place.

Rewind further still.  The day you decided that you would one day go to that place.  The day you said to yourself, “now, there is a place that I would really like to go.”  And how you decided to get there.  Think carefully about your decision.  The knowledge that there was something you wanted, the confidence that it was something you could attain, the will to make it all happen.  See that moment, the moment of decision, very clearly. 

Open your eyes.  Make this that moment.  You have the knowledge that there is something you want, you have the confidence to attain it, All you need is the will to make it happen. 

What We Love: Divorce is an opportunity to re-invent your broken life into the life that you really want.

Published by Sharon Oberst DeFala

Sharon Oberst DeFala has practiced low-impact safe divorce since 1992.

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