It’s Called EnFORCEment for a Reason

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Enforcement means forcing someone to do something they do not want to do.  Just because a judge rules that your ex-wife has to treat you with respect in front of the kids, doesn’t mean she is going to do it.  A judge who orders alimony payments does not show up at the husband’s house and take money out of his wallet.  Although, it would be pretty awesome if she did!

There are state agencies in place that will help enforce child support orders, because the 1970s era “deadbeat dads” impacted more than just the kids who were not getting child support; they arguably affected our entire economy. Kids who do not have enough money for food and clothes are not good students, tend to drop out, have fewer marketable skills, and may become drains on society whether it is through under-employment, unemployment, or crime.  It is in the state’s best interest to make sure that child support gets enforced.

But what about all of those other orders judges make in divorce cases?  The state does not have a direct interest in every case.  If a husband is ordered to pay a percentage of his annual bonus, or make timely alimony payments, or kick in for half of the doctor’s bills, and doesn’t.  Then what?

If a Mother is supposed to deliver the kids dressed and fed in time for church every Sunday morning, but always manages to blow it, one way or another (a ripped dress; a sandwich in hand, fifteen minutes late for a 30 minute Mass) whose job is it to straighten her out?

Unfortunately, this job falls to the one person in the whole world who is proven to be the absolute least qualified to bring out positive behavior from the forgetful or offending spouse – the ex-spouse.  Crazy, right?  But, true. Want your child support payments on time? Go to the professionals. Want your child’s face washed before a big event? You are on your own.  

There are, of course, some avenues of recourse through the court system.  You can ask the Judge to find your ex spouse in contempt for failure to follow the court’s orders or the Separation Agreement.  But, it is difficult to rise to the level of contempt that a judge will notice.  If alimony is always late, sometimes by a week, and sometimes by only a day or two; a judge is not likely to get involved.  If the visitation schedule is respected; but the kids just aren’t dressed nicely, a judge will not want to hear it.

These are the situations in which you and your ex-spouse really have no choice but to find a partnership.  You can try enforcing by being tough, as in, “Late alimony from you means no weekly bonus phone call from the kids,” if that is what works.  Or you can try being generous, “I bought Suzy a new dress, and here is a gift card for you to buy yourself something as well, can she wear the new dress to church next week?”

If nothing works, maybe you just need to adjust your expectations, and limit your own disappointment.  Maybe a matter which would not rise to the level of court intervention should not be something you care about, either.  If alimony gets paid every month; just late – then know that it comes late and don’t look for it on the first of the month.  If punctuality is your hang-up, always offer to be the one who picks up the kids, instead of waiting for them to be delivered to you.

The divorce isn’t truly final until all of the court orders and rulings are complete.  How you live in your divorce world depends in large part on how you choose to live in it.

What we Love:  Enforcement is an opportunity for re-thinking the dynamic between you and the person to whom you are no longer married.

Published by Sharon Oberst DeFala

Sharon Oberst DeFala has practiced low-impact safe divorce since 1992.

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