Did you ever notice how the words “Divorce” and “divide” both start with the same three letters, the same root? Divorce can be seen as a time to “divvy-up” assets, debts, photo albums, relatives, and even friends. You can almost picture a black jack dealer with a green eye-shade laying the “alternate weekends” card in front of dad, and the “pool club membership” in front of mom.
That’s really not the tricky part. Taking what you want, or need, and leaving the rest where it is – well, that’s something most of us learned (or should have learned) in kindergarten. If two adults can’t do the dividing themselves, the judge will step in and divide it up for them. Usually it is just a matter of simple math. The house has $300,000 in equity. If we sell it, each party can have $150,000 to go buy a condo and start again. Easy math. Predictable outcome.
But, what if the house is worth more to the parties than the $300,000 in equity? What if giving up my right to $150,000 is nothing compared to my need to stay next door to my neighbors who have protected me during this awful ten year marriage, for example? How would you go about quantifying that for a judge?
Or, what if there are two drivers and three vehicles? What if one is the jalopy we keep in the garage in the hopes that enough tinkering will someday bring it back to life as a classic? It might only be worth $75 to a judge’s balance sheet; but it might be worth thousands to the people who saw it as an investment in their someday retirement. While a judge could arbitrarily assign it to one party or the other, allocating a $75 dollar offset somewhere else; the owners might want to see it through to completion before relegating it to a junk heap.
The division of divorce is simplistic. It is the multiplication which can be elegant, and beautiful. Instead of seeing each asset and person as a dividend to be chopped into smaller equal shares; consider looking at them as opportunities to multiply.
Here are some quick examples. Two parents have a marital residence and a time share vacation home. Even if they decide to sell the marital residence, they don’t have to give up the vacation time share. It might be transferred to the children. In the case of minor children, the transfer would be in name only. In the case of adult children it could be an acceptable conveyance by the terms of the management company. The children get a week at the time share and mom visits them there for the first half of the week and dad shows up for the second half. The kids go from vacations with two unhappy parents; to separate vacations with one happier parent. A larger, not smaller, outcome.
People who are worried that the friends will choose one spouse or the other can use the same multiplier logic by demonstrating in advance that they will be comfortable in each other’s presence. No one needs to choose sides. No one has to pick which spouse to invite to a dinner party, if the dinner party will go just as smoothly with both people there. Even better, showing that you will accept each other’s new boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, wife, will go a lot further towards helping your friends keep all of their invitations wide open. Now you have gone from keeping half of your friends, to keeping all of your friends, and the new people as they come into your lives. Multiplied.
The family boat does not have to be sold if the parties can agree to sharing the use and costs of maintaining it. In fact, not only do you get to keep using your boat (on alternate weekends, maybe) but now you are only responsible for one-half of the upkeep. So, you have multiplied the part that you like, while dividing the burden. A better outcome, all around.
Of course, no judge would order a couple to share custody of a boat. That can only come from people who are willing and able to work together. Trained mediators, professionals who practice collaborative divorce, and even marriage therapists can sometimes help identify opportunities to multiply instead of divide.
WHAT WE LOVE: There is almost always another way of seeing what is directly in front of you. You just have to be willing to look for it.